Next stop? Something thrilling, I'm sure

At some point overnight at the Richmond Greyhound terminal, I overheard part of a conversation in which a young woman tell a stranger this was her first Greyhound bus trip. I could relate, as my first time was a few weeks ago.

But, you know? It's nothing to sing and dance about. It warrants no big fanfare, no celebration. It's not worthy of photographs or remembering in friendly conversation weeks or years later. I don't think I'll find myself starting a letter, "Dear Mom and Dad, The bus rules!" It's not like your first steps, or your first time flying, or your first car. It's just sitting. For a long time. A long, long, damn time. And making witless empathetic conversation about the agonizing delays. And getting up to stretch your legs every once in a while. That's all the hell it is.

And in the case of the long road trips I booked myself on to get back and forth between the hustle-and-bustle nation's capital and thriving Music City USA, it's a pointless waste of a day passing through bland, godforsaken places with names like Lynchburg, and Junction City. Each town has a bridal shop and an insurance agency and a couple law offices and an antiques shop and discount tobacco and a run-down gas station and a get-cash-instantly place and three (count 'em, three!) McDonald's billboards in a row reminding us about the "classic" Big Mac -- nothing more conservative than that, is there? Oh, I guess the two billboards for the regional gun show that ended five days ago could be construed as more conservative.

This all is what the elite consider fly-over territory. And not that I'm elite by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just temporarily unemployed, and the difference in price between methods of transportation was my sole factor in choosing the bus over a plane. Have you seen how much the airlines are charging these days? It's a no-brainer to me; the bus is the Payless Shoes of public transportation.

But honestly, and I'm counting on somebody to remind me I said this in case I forget, the only no-brainer is the fact that I must not have a brain when I pick this ghetto-fabulous mode of transit over flying the friendly skies. It doesn't matter how much it costs. I can get to Nashville from D.C. in what, 90 minutes? 60 minutes? I can make myself afford a flight if I really need to go. I just can't spend one more day trapsing through Rogersville or whatever. Another stupid day of this? I can't do it.

But I'll have to next Thursday because I forked over the dough already for a round-trip ticket. Damn the $10 discount for a two-way reservation!

Should I eat that return trip ticket?

Hell, for that matter, could I get off this bus at the next exit and see if there's an airport near the Exxon, Stuckey's and Dairy Queen that can get me the rest of the way to Nashville in 10 minutes?

(What in the hell is Stuckey's?)