Q: I know, when our guests stay at the Mobley Hotel, that they give the best in service and hospitality, and I know a lot of that is because of founder Edgar Mobley's uncompromising commitment to quality. Isn't that right?Dear Duncan,
A: [nods affirmatively]
Q: And they also have a fine staff, too.
A: Oh yeah, as a matter of fact, they do, Allan.
Q: Yeah. Now, did they announce employee of the week yet, Nick?
A: Oh, yes, they did, Al! The employee of the week is none other than Orson Mobley! You know him as tight end for the Denver Broncos, but the real Orson comes alive back at the Mobley Hotel. They call him Mr. January, and we're happy to say this year [1991] he's not wasting those red-hot biorhythms on a boys' game. He's working his dickens to the bone at the Mobley!
Q: That's terrific, Nick. Congratulations to Orson and all the Mobleys. I understand Orson has quite a reputation around the Mobley, but how much of that, Nick, is fact, and how much is myth?
A: Allan ... there's ... plenty of each!
Myth: Orson is all sizzle and no steak. Sure, he keeps the Mobley's stucco exterior looking terrific, but indoors, the shower curtains smell like Show World, and you can get a nasty case of pinkeye from the washrags.
Fact: Orson is a man of rare compassion. He buys bruised bananas because he feels sorry for them and gives free haircuts to orphans.
Myth: Orson worked his way through college by working as a wad model for Frederick's of Hollywood.
Fact: That was his brother Eugene.
Myth: Orson dips cats in quinine because he likes to hear them sneeze.
Fact: That was club soda.
Myth: As an innkeeper, Orson Mobley is surly and incompetent. He steals from the till, hates children, and drools like a parson when a young woman enters the lobby. When it comes to scrubbing out the crappers, it seems like he's always on break.
Fact: Orson sees to it that all the guests are cozy and entertained. Some days, he sits in the lobby for hours, heckling the sleepwalkers, and doing that thing where he peels a banana without using his hands.
Myth: Some nights, Orson puts on pounds of pancake and his dead brother's wedding dress and stabs squirrels with a pen.
Fact: Orson's plans for next month? He's going to crochet a Mobley banner from the employee lint bank and make enough hot fudge sundaes to feed the world.
The above is from "Night After Night with Allan Havey," and it is utterly brilliant. I can't thank you enough for introducing me to this alternate reality.
Your friend,
Steve
